This isn’t going to be a long post, but had to share some thoughts.
Lately, I’ve been dealing with a lot of anxiety. Without going into too many details at this moment, it has been almost crippling at times. Everyday there are many moments, and sometimes hours, of panic that runs through my body. I’m not someone who is usually anxious or fearful, and the last time I felt this way, in the end, I moved to the mountains of Arizona to a secluded ranch 7 miles off a dirt road to recuperate.
It was healing, and it was a great adventure, but I don’t want to do that again. I’m truly happy where I’m at and I want to deal with these issues here in a healthy way.
I was scrolling through my blog when I found this, something that I had written almost exactly a year ago:
How was I going to move to Texas or buy a car or make car payments or get car insurance all while paying rent and putting money towards my student loans plus all the other bills? What if I couldn’t find a job? What if I found a job and I hated it, but it paid enough money so I could pay my bills but I was miserable? And then surely my relationship would fall apart because I wouldn’t have money to do anything or support myself and I’d always be working and hate my job and it would all be miserable. And then I’d have to move back home and live with my mothers. Forever.
I read it and laughed out loud. Those were my anxieties a year ago: not being able to afford life, being stuck in a job that I hated, etc., which would all eventually lead to me dying alone. What?
A year later, and here’s the scoop: I have the money to live. It might not be pretty all the time, but I’m makin’ it. I found a job. I took on two more jobs. I ended up hating one of the jobs, so I moved on and found something that better suited me. Moral of the story — some of my fears came true; however, in the end, it didn’t result in my demise. I’m not a ruined person. My fate is not sealed.
It was good to read back on my own thoughts to help put things in perspective. For those of you who have dealt with anxiety and/or depression, how have you come out the other side?